Ship of Fools, Elevator of Idiots
by Retronym
Summary: Kirby was so happy to explore the new elevator. But there is a reason Smashers can't have nice things.


**And this is why Smashers can't have nice things.**

Kirby was elated. Master Hand had recently announced that for several key reasons, they had installed an elevator in the Smash Mansion right outside the kitchen doorway. This excited Kirby and multiple other fighters for the reason that the stairs were absolutely exhausting for anyone his size. Seriously, it was like a full-out climbing trip every time he wanted to go to another floor, clambering over the much-too-large steps. Often times Jigglypuff would just give up and fall asleep right there on the stairway, which resulted in a lot of people tripping and nearly breaking their faces. Master Hand seemed to finally be ready to address this problem, and Kirby was ecstatic to try out the new elevator. Why had Master Hand been so reluctant to set this in motion?

Kirby bounced to the elevator door curiously. He didn't really know that well how elevators worked, but was more than eager to try it out. He stood in front of the door, pondering it. How did it open? He knocked on the metal door. Nothing happened. He poked at the place between the two sides of the entrance, then attempted to pry them apart. Okay, that wasn't it. He cast his gaze around a bit, and spotted a sort of panel with a couple buttons. One had an arrow pointing up, the other had one pointing down. Kirby was sure that this was how you opened the doors, and was satisfied for a moment. Then, he realized something that brought him back to earth with a disgusted bump. He couldn't reach the buttons.

The world is a jerk.

Kirby angrily swung out his hammer and raised it above his head. He was going to reach those buttons whether life wanted him to or not! He was about to pound the living crap out of those sassy high-up buttons when a voice sounded nearby. "Kirby, what're you doing?"

"Uh, hi Yoshi," he said, letting his hammer plunk back to the floor. "Trying to press the buttons." He glared at the glowing buttons as if they were actively mocking him.

"I got it!" Yoshi trotted over and pressed the up arrow, and within a matter of seconds the door slid open with a ding. The inside was a very simple little cubby, like a closet. Yoshi looked sincerely interested.

"So this is an elevator?" he asked. "I've never used one!" He trotted inside, Kirby following shortly behind.

"D'you think we have to hit the button again to close the doors?" asked Kirby dubiously. He wasn't sure that they could do that without the doors closing back over a hand.

"Nah, I don't think so. There's another thing of buttons in here." Yoshi pointed them out. It had a lot more buttons this time, and Kirby was able to reach the lowermost ones. He waddled over to it.

"So these are the different floors, I think," said Yoshi, waving a hand in front of the numbered ones. "Not sure about the rest, but-"

"Whoa! Looook! The elevator! Let's check it out!" a new voice interrupted the green dinosaur, and three short figures dashed through the still-open doors into the small area.

"Hey guys!" said Ness. "We wanted to see show TL the elevator 'cause he's never been in one!"

Toon Link gazed around the confined room. "Huh," he said. "So what happens?"

"It's just like a little room that goes up and down through the building," informed Lucas.

"Yeah, you can actually have a lot of fun in an elevator!" insisted Ness. "Let's go all the way upstairs!" He approached Yoshi and Kirby at the buttons. Curious, Kirby pressed one of the ones he could reach and watched as it lit up. Kirby was pleased. Why was that so fun? He pressed another and smiled. Yoshi seemed interested, and pressed yet another, looking delighted at this strangely enjoyable action.

The doors began to slide shut. TL yelped and jumped out of their way before they closed. Unfortunately, the person who was passing closely by in the hallway was caught unawares by the closing doors. The smashers in the elevator just saw a tuft of feathers sticking through the door and heard a yelp of pain from the other side.

"Oops!" said Ness, pushing his way to the doors to try and pry them open. Fortunately, they opened back up before he even had the chance from the presence of an obstruction.

"Uh, what just happened?" asked Pit, rubbing the tip of his wing that had been caught in the doors.

"Sorry, we elevatored you," said Kirby apologetically. Pit joined them inside as the doors dinged shut once again.

"Are we having some kind of elevator party?" he inquired. "I like parties!"

"Er, sorta-kinda," said Yoshi. "Whoa!" he gasped in surprise as the elevator began to go up, creating the strange sense of moving-yet-not-moving in the stomach. "This is weird!"

Kirby thought so too. He staggered about a little, unaccustomed to this unusual sensation. TL looked around in surprise, as though he couldn't believe that they were actually moving. A few seconds later, the doors slid open. They were on the next floor! Kirby was delighted. This was much easier than stairs, and…strangely fun.

TL seemed to agree. "Wow!" he said. "Let's do that again!" He and Ness approached the panel of buttons. TL pressed one of the highest ones, then gave in to the seemingly universal urge to press another. Ness gave him a cockeyed smile and slapped his hand onto the buttons. TL retaliated by slashing a hand across the panel. Pit then said, "Please, that's nothing!" and swiped his arm across the entire thing, lighting nearly every single one of the buttons.

The doors closed again, and they began to go up. However, their progress this time was shuddery and jerky, and they started to descend a couple times before jerking back up.

"Hmm," noted Yoshi nonchalantly. "The elevator seems to be confused."

"I wonder why," muttered Kirby.

"Wh-what's gonna happen?" said Lucas nervously.

"Oh, it'll be fine!" insisted Ness. "Maybe jumping up and down will give it some momentum."

"Sounds like fun," said TL, and the two of them began leaping up and down, making the elevator jerk even more. This made Lucas more nervous, but Kirby thought it seemed like fun too, so he joined in.

Just then, the elevator stopped going up and plummeted downward for about twenty feet, the lights going out. Everyone yelled in surprise as they fell in the darkness. Suddenly, the elevator yanked to a halt, making the riders smash painfully to the ground in a messy heap.

"Ugh," groaned Yoshi, extracting himself from underneath Ness. "What just happened?"

"Ness, I think you broke it," speculated Kirby.

"No, I think that was Pit pressing all the buttons."

"No it wasn't!" protested Pit. "Okay, maybe it was," he admitted, "But the jumping certainly didn't help."

"How're we going to get out of here?" said TL, sounding afraid.

"I'm sure there's some way to do this," assured Pit. He staggered toward the door, tripping slightly on Lucas's feet. He attempted to pry the doors apart, but he only managed to do so slightly. Kirby saw a flat surface directly outside the doors.

"I think we're between floors," said Kirby.

"Oh no," murmured Lucas.

"Hmm," said Ness thoughtfully. "I wonder if we could get out through the ceiling!" Without waiting for further comments, he sent a bolt of electricity at the ceiling, which succeeded only in shattering the light fixture and raining broken glass all over the group.

"Dang it!" cried Kirby. "I don't have shoes!"

"Well, that certainly fell in the 'stupid' department," commented Pit.

"It was just an idea!" Ness defended himself.

"A dumb one," muttered TL. Yoshi shook himself, making clattering and tinkling noises as he sprayed broken shards over the also glass-covered floor. "Hey, one of the buttons is still glowing!" he said.

Everyone turned to look at the panel, and indeed there was a button at the bottommost corner that was glowing red. It was sort of a weird bell-looking thing. Pit shuffled closer to look at it.

"What a weird symbol. What d'you think it's for?"

"It looks like something for a fire department or something," observed Kirby.

"Wonderful, if we need a fire department," muttered Pit.

"But we do, don't we?" said Yoshi.

"Wait, we need a fire?" said Ness, looking up.

Everyone shouted, "WAIT, NO-" but it was too late. A flame sprang up in the psychic's hand, and it was inevitable in such close quarters that the edge of Pit's toga caught fire. He yelped and leapt away from Ness, and everyone else panicked.

"Stop drop and roll!" squealed Lucas.

"There's glass all over the floor!" protested Pit.

Yoshi muttered to himself. "This is going to sting a bit." Before Kirby could figure out what he meant, the dinosaur leapt forward. "Come here, Pit!" His tongue shot out, and he pulled the flaming angel into his mouth. A few seconds later, he spat out a slightly charred and spit-covered Pit.

"Ow," muttered Yoshi. "I'm glad I'm good with hot things."

"Ugh," said Pit as he got to his feet. "That sucked….thanks, though. I think."

Yoshi replied, "You're welcome. I think. Now let's see about that fire-department-or-something-else button. And Ness? No more helping."

"Aw, fine."

Pit pressed the button. It glowed a bit brighter, and there was a beep. Pit then said, "Uh, hi. Who's there?"

A voice spoke from what seemed to be a little speaker just below the button. "What the- Pit, what're you doing?"

"Link! Why are you at the fire department?"

"What? I'm not at the fire department, genius, you're talking on the intercom."

"Oh, we are?"

"Hi everybody!" said Ness enthusiastically.

"Ness, not helping!" scolded Pit.

"But I thought I wasn't allowed to help anymore."

"I see what you did there," muttered TL.

"Okay, guys, just tell us what's going on," said Mario's voice through the speaker.

"We're stuck in an elevator!" Kirby chimed in.

"Who all is in there?" asked Link.

"Uh, Kirby, Ness, Lucas, TL, and Yoshi. And me. Do I have to say my name? No, you know who's talking. Right?"

"Yeah, 'cause you never stop," muttered Ness. TL and Yoshi snickered.

"Neither do you," Pit pointed out.

"Focus, please," said a new voice over the speaker.

"Hi Master Hand!" Kirby greeted brightly. "We're stuck in a-"

"Yes, I know," sighed Master Hand, "And am not the least bit surprised. We'll come get you. Do you know what floors you're between?"

"Uh, nope," said Yoshi.

"We'll figure it out," said Link.

Master Hand floated away from the doorway that a few of the smashers had just pried open to get to the hatch on the top of the elevator. He did not have to search for very long to find his brother bouncing around, apparently delighted at the elevator incident.

Master Hand pulled out a piece of paper, as did Crazy Hand.

"Well, tell me about it!" said Crazy Hand enthusiastically.

"Pit pressed all the buttons and made the thing go haywire, and it fully malfunctioned when Ness started jumping up and down inside." Master Hand unfolded his piece of paper. "I said Pit."

Crazy Hand held out his paper. "I said Ness!"

Master Hand made a noise of interest. "Well, I guess it's a draw, then! I was considering putting Lucario, because he's broken a ton of stuff, but Pit's just a trouble magnet."

"I can't believe we tied!" cried Crazy Hand. "I _so_ wanted to win this bet!"

"Well, the point of it still stands: this is why we can't have nice things." Master Hand sighed. "Apparently the fiasco involved some fire and lots of glass. Honestly, we're lucky nothing worse happened."

"Lucky, are you kidding?!" said Crazy Hand with dismay. Master Hand observed him sharply. "Uh, I mean, very lucky," amended Crazy Hand. "Yes, I'm very glad nothing crazier happened. Mmm-hmm, you betcha!"

Master Hand sighed once again. Unlike the smashers that were being freed from the defective transportation, he was constantly inside an elevator full of idiots. The struggle.


End file.
